Belly On Up

I know I am an emotional eater – I’m constantly trying to change that. I have times when I’m very reflective before I put something in my mouth, wondering the why and “how I’m feeling” moments of doing what I’m doing.  Many times it’s just eating – I eat when I’m stressed or happy, when I’m sad or bored and more often, when I’m depressed.  I don’t need something major to happen, for me, it’s a comfort.  Other people have their own vices; as long as I can remember it’s been food.Growing up, I remember almost every Sunday morning my father going to the local bakery and buying a couple of dozen donuts as well as a coffee cake.  Not every single Sunday, but more often than not.  We were a family of four, my parents and my sister and I.  I remember on those early Sunday mornings having donuts and loving the coffee cake, but almost every single Sunday I was also told not to “eat too much.”  I wasn’t overweight growing up – I was very tall for my age, and my weight was proportionate, so I always felt bigger than everyone else.  

By the time I finished fourth grade, I had reached my full 5’5″ height (and yes, was one of the tallest girls in the school).  For about 15 years, my high jump record for the school remained unbeaten – one of the small athletic accomplishments I’ve had in my life!  Looking back at photographs of middle school and high school, I am normal sized, although at the time, I never felt that way.  I felt too heavy and uncomfortable in my own body.  Having grown up in a household where a strong emphasis was put on looks, I never felt up to par.  

Fast forward to my 40s – I’m still overweight, but more active than I have been in years.  I eat well and try to be very health conscious of what I’m putting in my mouth.  Like everyone else, it doesn’t always happen.  Long story short, I’ve cut myself a few breaks along the way.  I realized in my 30s that I could not look the way I wanted to really look – I will never be Christy Brinkley, no matter how hard I tried.  I will never have the long, thick hair I’ve always dreamed of.  In other words, I’ve got what I’ve got.  

The components that make me who I am aren’t so horrible.  As I headed out this morning, I felt thin – that’s a weird thing since I’m not really thin!  I felt lean, which is maybe a better way of describing how I felt in my jeans and cute shoes.  I feel grateful that I’m healthy and that I really feel pretty good every morning.  I’m still all functioning and many times am mistaken for someone younger than I am (thanks to good genes).  

I’ve been really busy and unable to fit in a run.  I know that sounds lame, but it’s true.  Yesterday morning I was at 5:45 a.m. (on a Saturday) and this morning, I had to be up by 6:00 a.m.  I’m really tired from my weekend – can I have two more days off?!  However, I’ve been pretty good with what goes in my mouth.  I got on the scale yesterday morning and I’m still down at my lowest weight this  year.  If I can get two more pounds off, I’ll be really happy because I will be below a “0” number!

I started taking a larger lunch so that when I get home at night I’m not famished.  I was eating smaller lunches, walking through the door and literally looking for something to eat the second I walked in, it wasn’t working.  I knew I was eating way too many calories everyday.  I’m taking a bigger lunch and actually have eaten something really small at night for the past two weeks.  There were nights I wasn’t even hungry, to be honest.  However, I do think this way of managing my food has worked since I’m not running and my weight hasn’t gone up.  

It’s not all about the numbers, I know that.  It’s about the way I feel about myself.  Putting on clothes and feeling confident and attractive is a pretty strong feeling.  I spent a lot of  years being criticized by boyfriends or my father – I think it’s about time I knock the last of those voices and words out of my head and hold my head up.  After all, there will never be another me.  

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4 Comments

  1. It was very scary how much I could truly identify with this post…same upbringing….was truly at a perfect weight and felt like a giant and overweight with family making me feel worse……honestly I could have written this…..being in my mid forties I have finally found what I hope is my solution to a lifetime of negative thoughts…..good luck in your journey..I love reading your blog and know you will reach your goals!

    Reply
  2. Thank you so much for reading! I’m sure a lot of women can probably identify, but I know I also have always felt very alone in the way I treat food – especially when you see people everyday who seem not to have the same problems. The negative thoughts are the worst – I refuse to beat myself up anymore. 🙂

    Reply
  3. Very good information. Lucky me I came across your site by
    accident (stumbleupon). I’ve saved as a favorite for later!

    Reply

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