A New York Minute

I was having the kind of week where all was right with the world – I felt good physically, I felt good mentally, I was happy.  Friday started out exceptionally well, I was in a great mood (convinced I was going to be one of mega millions winners), and it was Friday.  By mid morning, I received a phone call that turned my world upside down.

The rest of Friday was spent in a sort of holding pattern.  I was emotional and at work and trying to appear normal.  One of my attorneys asked if I was okay; I replied I was fine.  An untruth of huge proportions. 

I cannot and will not speak about what I am dealing with, as it’s an intensely personal matter.  It’s nothing I can share with friends or family – I am on an island alone and not handling it well.  My stress level is at an all time high where I am not eating and I’m not sleeping.  I realized at 9:30 last evening that I had forgotten to eat and it didn’t matter.   I did not go to the gym yesterday, I was exhausted and physically felt like I could not run.  I thought it might help, but also had a vet appointment that fell in the middle of the morning.  I simply chose not to go.

I think out of sheer exhaustion last night, I slept about half the night.  I got up, thinking that running might help with the stress I’m feeling.  I got my clothes on and my bag together and pulled out of the driveway.  At the end of my street, I realized I had forgotten my towel and my sports watch.  I turned around, went back to the house, irritated that I had forgotten them and retrieved my things.

My stomach hurt the entire way to the gym, I was tense.  I got to the gym and got on the treadmill – two minutes in, I started running.  Four minutes into running, I felt like there was a concrete block on my chest and I was wheezing.  I had forgotten to use my inhaler before I left home.  I felt like I was going to throw up and went back to my locker to get my spare inhaler that I keep in my bag.  It wasn’t there, and I remembered that I had thrown that one out because it was way past the expiration date and had never replaced it – because I NEVER forget to use my inhaler before running. 

I threw everything back into my locker and realized I had tears streaming down my face.  I decided to finish my workout even if it meant gasping and coughing through it.  As I got back on the treadmill, I had to remind myself to relax, drop my shoulders, don’t clench my hands – focus ahead.  Try to breathe.  It was hard running with a concrete plate on my chest.  I could not catch my breath – I could not pace my breathing, and I could hear myself wheezing.  I was a mess. 

I finished my run and felt horrible.  Probably even worse than normal since I could no longer breathe.  I was coughing and wheezing and knew there would be no weights today; I simply needed to get home and use my inhaler. 

I walked through my front door and reached for my inhaler before putting anything down, and felt my lungs opening up.  I guess I give myself credit for going today and for finishing it out.  As bad as I looked and sounded, I finished. 

It will get better – I know that.  Everything passes.  I need to run and not think – I have a race in three weeks that I will finish.   

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